


so down (i'm trying)

by moonteez



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Falling In Love, M/M, Not Beta Read, cute ending I think, hongjoong and yeosang are best friends, hongjoong is an artist, implied childhood best friends, kinda light angst, lots of thinking done by poor yeosang, pls enjoy !!, seonghwa and yeosang are roommates, yeosang has anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29256792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonteez/pseuds/moonteez
Summary: "i wasn't upset." yeosang hums. "i was just surprised. i really wasn't expecting it."the silence after is uncomfortable so he busies himself with picking up the dirty clothes on seonghwa's floor, tossing them into a basket and making his way to the laundry room."but you should have been."yeosang stops. "i'm sorry?""i told you i was going to ask him to be my boyfriend a few weeks ago." hongjoong says and yeosang really tries to remember, but he can't. "what's been wrong with you lately? are you okay?"
Relationships: Choi San/Kang Yeosang, Choi San/Kang Yeosang/Kim Hongjoong, Choi San/Kim Hongjoong, Implied Park Seonghwa/Song Mingi, Kang Yeosang/Kim Hongjoong
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	so down (i'm trying)

**Author's Note:**

> warning; there are mentions of anxiety throughout the story !! also there are mentions of medication but it's like twice and doesnt go into any detail.
> 
> also this could be out of character because it was originally going to be a skz fic but ive recently edited it !! sorry if their personalities arent accurate bc of this :(
> 
> the title is from so down by mother mother, but the story is not inspired by the song !!

the whir of the fan, the flicker of a candle across the room. everything flooded in pink led lights and the smell of hongjoong's cologne. static clings to yeosang's skin and wraps around his arms and legs.

"how is your family?" he asks, not sure what else to say. the silence is too much, too overbearing. the sound of a magazine page turning slices against his brain.

"good. how are you, yeosang?"

he wishes his name on hongjoong's lips didn't make his knees slightly weak. although the lack of shortened nickname makes things seem too serious.

"i'm okay." there's more silence from hongjoong, so yeosang turns to face him. he's met with a smiling twitching at the corners of hongjoong's glossy lips.

he's upside down, hanging off the bed with his magazine in hand. yeosang sits awkwardly in hongjoong's spinning desk chair, turning back around to ignore hongjoong's uncomfortable eyes.

"san is coming over soon." hongjoong says quietly, as if he's waiting for yeosang to react negatively. maybe he is.

"okay. do you want me to leave?" yeosang asks bluntly and hongjoong makes a confused noise.

"look at me." hongjoong says and yeosang sighs, spinning around. "i know it doesn't seem like san likes you, but i promise he does. he just doesn't know you that well."

"and he'll warm up to me later? isn't that what you said last time?" yeosang asks, not upset but not unaccusing.

hongjoong frowns and sits up right, his face losing its red tint from being upside down. his expression is bored, and yeosang feels just a little bad.

he sighs again, looking away. "i'm sorry. maybe i'll even talk to him this time."

a pretty smile stretches across hongjoong's face, inevitably making yeosang smile just the same.

san knocks on the door sooner than later, politely smiling at the two and quickly hugging hongjoong.

yeosang already feels out of place. the way san already has a small smile on his face makes his gut curl uncomfortably. he stares into his glass of water until he's sure he's manipulating the atoms. he's only interrupted when someone taps his arm gently and he's surprised to see san looking at him expectantly.

"i'm sorry?"

"are you going to hongjoong's art show in a few months?" he asks, his voice unexpectedly soft and excited. "what type of flowers do you think he'd like?"

yeosang takes a quick glance around the kitchen to see hongjoong gone. "oh, i'm sure just roses will be fine."

san nods, a determined look on his face. "so are you going?"

"uh, probably." yeosang nods and san smiles.

"nice. okay."

"what are you two talking about?" hongjoong asks and san looks up in surprise.

he clears his throat. "oh, nothing, really."

yeosang doesn't miss the quick thumbs up hongjoong shoots him later, but he wishes he had.

*

"yeosang?" someone calls from a few feet away. yeosang's grip tightens on the jar of sauce he holds. when he doesn't answer, the voice comes closer.

"i wasn't expecting you here." san says, because of course it's him. who else would it be?

yeosang smiles tightly. "hey. i was just shopping."

"oh, cool." san seems like he isn't quite sure what to say next.

yeosang doesn't want this to be awkward. he's trying, really. "so-"

"so-" san widens his eyes a little. "you go first."

yeosang shakes his head. "you can."

"you like that cereal?" san points to a box in his hand.

"oh, it's actually for my roommate."

san nods. "cool."

yeosang stares at him awkwardly before looking away, checking the time on his phone. "i should go. bye, san."

"oh- bye, yeosang!"

yeosang stares up at the ceiling that night, his phone on speaker beside his head.

"and you talked to him alone! that's a big step, sang. you'll be friends before you know it." hongjoong says, his voice muffled.

yeosang sighs. "he's being uncharacteristically nice to me, though. what did i do different?"

hongjoong is silent for far too long for it to be good and yeosang is about to ask him what he did until hongjoong speaks.

"i may have told him that you wanted to be friends with him."

"hyung-" yeosang stops himself, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. "i'll talk to you later."

"yeo. yeosang." hongjoong tries to stop him, but yeosang hangs up.

*

anxiety in the form of short nails and the picked skin around them, in the form of sweaty palms and a bouncing knee.

yeosang watches hongjoong lay a hand on san's shoulder, fingers flexing against the soft fabric. yeosang looks away, apologizing to seonghwa for not listening to what he's saying. the older says it's okay, but he stops talking.

or anxiety in the form of foggy eyes and spacing out, nervous laughter to pretend you're caught up with the conversation. in the form of pinched together brows and wishing you didn't feel this way.

"do you need water?" hongjoong sits beside him but yeosang waves him off with a thankful smile. san follows, sitting on his other side and only then does yeosang realize seonghwa left him.

hongjoong knows better than to listen to yeosang. he gets up and heads into the kitchen. meanwhile, san says nothing, attention trained on his phone as if the loud music isn't distracting enough.

he hits the home button and yeosang catches a glimpse of his lock screen, a picture of san and hongjoong together.

yeosang wants to go home.

he watches the crowd in the living room talk and laugh, that same staticky feeling coating the walls and sticking to yeosang's skin. san taps his shoulder once and a bright screen is in his face a second later, words and a picture on it. yeosang reads it quickly and smiles, even if he doesn't quite understand.

hongjoong is back as quickly as he left, pushing a water bottle into yeosang's hands and urging him to drink. yeosang does, just to please him and not raise any concern. he feels sick as the lukewarm drink slides down his throat.

"do you need me to take you home?" hongjoong yells over the noise of the house and yeosang shrugs. he's sure seonghwa will want to go home soon and yeosang can trail after him. hongjoong opens his mouth, presumably to argue that it's perfectly fine, when someone calls him from across the house.

he sends yeosang an apologetic smile and pats his leg before leaving.

yeosang almost forgets san is beside him before he hears him speak, probably for the first time that night. yeosang assumes he's not a big fan of parties either.

"i can take you home."

yeosang clears his throat and shakes his head. "i couldn't- it's alright. i'll wait until my roommate can take me."

san frowns. "are you sure? i'm ready to go too and i know your house isn't far from mine."

yeosang doesn't really care how he knows. a wave of relief floods through his body unwillingly, thankful that he really isn't bothering san. he ignores his mind telling him that the other could be lying as he smiles politely.

"okay. should we say good bye to hongjoong?"

san shakes his head, standing up and holding his hand out for yeosang. he takes it and lets san pull him through the crowd, reaching the front door easily. cold air drenches his body as he steps out and brings his mind closer to the ground.

the silence in san's car isn't deafening. it isn't uncomfortable. his car is warm and the radio is low. although san's hand rests uncomfortably close to yeosang's on the center console, he can't bring himself to move it.

"hongjoong talks about you a lot." san says as he turns down the radio, the quiet noise of the car enveloping them.

"really?" yeosang asks, just to reply. he'd rather not know because of the sick feeling that's already in his stomach.

san hums, making a turn that yeosang knows isn't the right way. "yeah. he describes you as so... interesting. witty, sweet. did i do something for you to not be that way around me?"

"do you want me to be that way around you?" yeosang asks suddenly, the longest thing he's said all night.

san shrugs. "maybe."

"i'm an introvert." it's just as sudden as the sentence before and yeosang can already feel the embarrassment. "i'm sorry."

"don't apologize." san says softly. they're back on the right route to yeosang's house now.

yeosang doesn't say much else, only replying when he has to as san talks about whatever. he doesn't remember, honestly.

he looks out the window at his house when they pull into the driveway, unbuckling eagerly as his exhaustion catches up with him.

"i'll see you around, yeosang." san says, waving. "it was fun talking with you."

"right." yeosang smiles, and it's at least a little genuine. he gets out of the car but doesn't close the door, leaning in just a little. "thank you, san, really. i'll see you around."

san smiles and yeosang thinks he can appreciate how pretty he looks in the light of the street lamp.

*

yeosang's face hurts, the corners of his smile digging deep cuts into his cheeks. he nods at hongjoong, but he isn't listening. he can only focus on his hand laced with san's as they talk and talk and talk.

"well, congratulations." seonghwa says, smiling politely. "you two seem made for each other."

san thanks him and hongjoong gives him a casual hug, but they don't say anything to yeosang. he was never too good at hiding his feelings.

hongjoong's crinkly voice comes out loud through the phone later that day. "i didn't know you'd be upset."

"i wasn't upset." yeosang hums. "i was just surprised. i really wasn't expecting it."

the silence after is uncomfortable so he busies himself with picking up the dirty clothes on seonghwa's floor, tossing them into a basket and making his way to the laundry room.

"but you should have been."

yeosang stops. "i'm sorry?"

"i told you i was going to ask him to be my boyfriend a few weeks ago." hongjoong says and yeosang really tries to remember, but he can't. "what's been wrong with you lately? are you okay?"

"i'm fine." yeosang says a little too quickly. "listen, i have to go. seonghwa hyung is home and we were going to go shopping."

he doesn't understand what hongjoong says because he's already pulling the phone from his ear, hanging up. he puts the clothes in the washing machine with an anger he didn't know he had in him, closing it roughly and starting it. the noise quickly fills the silence as the water fills the machine and yeosang sighs.

"sang? you good in there?" seonghwa asks and yeosang doesn't reply. he's just so tired of feeling this way and even more tired of letting it get in the way of his personal life. he feels sick.

it doesn't help that he's so sure san can tell, so sure that he's waiting for when yeosang slips up and he can tell him to leave. to never speak to his boyfriend again.

he laughs bitterly at the thought, nearly wishing that was his future. maybe it'd be easier then.

he makes his way to seonghwa's room and falls onto the bed beside him, facedown in the pillow and ignoring the stare from seonghwa.

"you okay, buddy?" he asks and yeosang thinks that must be how he talks to the first graders he teaches. "do you need to talk?"

"no." yeosang answers immediately. "i need a hug, please."

*

"are you at home?" yeosang asks, his voice rough and tired as he struggles to reach his charger and keep his phone against his ear.

"this is san." the voice on the other line says and yeosang rolls his eyes.

"okay. is hongjoong hyung home?" he finally reaches the charger and adjusts his position so it'll reach the phone, putting the call on speaker.

san clears his throat. "yes, he's in the shower. is something wrong?"

yeosang hums. "no, i was just curious. well, tell hyung to call me. see you-"

"um, are you sure? you... you're not, like, bored or anything? did you want hongjoong to hang out with you?" san asks and confusion swirls in yeosang's stomach.

"...what?"

"we can hang out if you want."

god, yeosang really does debate hanging up. all in a few seconds, he debates hanging up and calling back a few hours later to say his wifi connection cut out, sorry.

"um," yeosang starts slowly, because he really doesn't want to hurt san's feelings. "i'm busy. sorry. maybe next time?"

it takes san a few seconds to answer, but it's enough time for the guilt to overwhelm yeosang. "okay. that's fine. good bye, yeosang."

the line goes silent and yeosang stares at the phone, a frown his default expression at this point.

his phone lights up with a text a few minutes later, hongjoong's name staring back at him.

yeosang isn't stupid. he knows if he answers hongjoong's text, which is asking him to hang out, san will see it and ultimately realize yeosang would just rather not be alone with him.

he replies with a maybe later and tosses his phone aside, staring up at his ceiling. the glow in the dark stars there threaten to fall off, taunting yeosang.

he turns around and groans into his pillow, frustrated and tired.

it's not long before seonghwa is poking his head into the room, softly asking if he's okay and offering to watch a movie and drink something warm with him.

yeosang just sighs grumpily and moves over so seonghwa can sit on the bed.

*

yeosang missed the days where hongjoong would ask him to hang out. it wasn't just the two of them very often, not since san came around. when he got the message from hongjoong asking to hang out, followed by one saying san was working, he rushed to drive to hongjoong's house. it was a normal routine, they'd catch up and maybe watch a movie, then eat and sleep.

yeosang spins in hongjoong's desk chair, listening to him rant about one of his classmates. it's late and the lights in the house are off, leaving the led lights to spill over the room in the same pink color as always. hongjoong looks pretty in this light, yeosang thinks.

when they go to sleep, yeosang changes and leaves the room. he plans to sleep in the guest room, as he has been recently, but hongjoong pulls him back. he laces their fingers and doesn't look anything like the confident hongjoong yeosang knows.

"we can still sleep in the same bed. san doesn't mind." he says quietly, a hint of nervousness to his voice. it would confuse yeosang if he wasn't so focused on how it feels like he's in high school again, knocking knees with hongjoong under the cafeteria table and promising to be best friends forever in his childhood bedroom.

"okay." yeosang whispers, intending for it to be louder. his brain doesn't seem to agree and suddenly the atmosphere is fragile, tender. yeosang is scared to breathe, blink even. he doesn't want to ruin it.

hongjoong doesn't let go of his hand, even once they're under the blankets and drifting off.

"do you want me to change the lights?" hongjoong asks in a whisper and yeosang shakes his head. hongjoong smiles. "me neither. you look pretty like this."

yeosang isn't sure if he dreamt it or not.

*

it's san. somehow it's always san. over when yeosang is, texting hongjoong when he and yeosang are on the phone, joining in on their hangouts.

yeosang hates that he doesn't hate it. he hates that eventually he even looks forward to it.

yeosang's anxiety builds up until he hears a knock on the door, jumping at the sound. this earns an amused look from hongjoong, but it isn't funny to him. he wants to go home.

"you know," yeosang starts just as san enters the living room. he stands and feels incredibly small in comparison to the man in front of him. he looks over at hongjoong. "i think i forgot to take my meds this morning. i'm gonna go."

hongjoong frowns. "yeosang. just drink some water and sit down, it'll be okay. san was looking forward to seeing you."

yeosang looks at san with an odd look, his eyes giving away every emotion that he's trying to hide with a grim expression. san smiles, small and soft, and somehow it makes it all worse.

because san wanted to see him. and yeosang can't stand the way that thought alone makes his chest ache and his stomach twist. but then he looks at hongjoong and the pain doesn't go away. hongjoong who he's been so in love with for years.

he doesn't think this is fair.

"he can go. the medication must be important, right?" san asks, looking between yeosang and hongjoong. yeosang swallows and shakes his head.

"no, i think- i remember taking them. this morning." he says and sits back down. he avoids the eyes of the two others and picks at a loose thread on his jeans.

"i'll get you something to drink. want anything, sannie?" hongjoong asks and san shakes his head, watching him leave the living room before sitting next to yeosang.

"i hope i'm not making you uncomfortable." he says and yeosang almost laughs. it's quite the opposite, you make me a little too comfortable. he wants to say, but he just shakes his head instead.

"you don't. promise." san surprises him by taking his hand, squeezing it twice before pulling away and sitting at the other end of the couch. yeosang stares down at his hand, not long enough to understand what just happened but long enough for it to be weird.

"you okay?" hongjoong asks. he places three glasses of soda on the coffee table and sits in the middle of the couch. yeosang doesn't reply, taking a drink of his soda. hongjoong frowns and pats his thigh, a reassuring touch.

seonghwa asks him, later that night, "what exactly is the problem?" and yeosang doesn't have an answer. what makes it so hard to be around the two?

"you're in love with hongjoong." seonghwa says, pouring a bag of chips into a bowl. "and it's hard seeing them together, right?"

"i just don't feel like i fit anymore. it's not about them being together, hyung, it's about me not having a place anymore." yeosang sighs and seonghwa slides the bowl towards him.

"of course you fit. you're hongjoong's best friend and san is his boyfriend. you don't have to be pushed out of the picture, you know that right?" seonghwa asks. "you and san can coexist. there doesn't have to be one without the other."

yeosang pulls a face. "you aren't understanding what i'm saying-"

"i don't think you understand what you're saying, yeosang. listen to yourself. you feel like there isn't room for you anymore because you don't want to be the best friend. you want to be a part of them."

yeosang goes quiet, looking at seonghwa for a few seconds. "i don't like san like that."

"maybe not. but you're getting there, sang. and what you do about that is up to you, and only you."

he thinks about it a lot. even after the day ends. staring up at the ceiling, folding clothes, driving. what can someone do about having feelings for their best friend and his boyfriend?

*

the next time they hang out is two weeks after yeosang's revelation and it's less awkward than before. now that yeosang knows what gets him so anxious, what makes him feel so sweaty, he's less stressed. he's dressed up today and he looks nice. he feels nice. both san and hongjoong complimented his outfit and hongjoong's red cheeks as he did so really went to yeosang's head.

san's roommate, mingi, is making conversation with seonghwa across the room. yeosang notices the amused look on seonghwa's face, the red tint on mingi's, and later he sees seonghwa type something into mingi's phone and pass it back. if only it was that easy.

yeosang is the only one who stays after the hangout, promising seonghwa to stay safe and keep him updated on his whereabouts.

"is he asleep?" san asks, looking over at hongjoong on the couch. yeosang nods and laughs quietly.

"he can really fall asleep anywhere."

"i've noticed." san smiles and yeosang's smile falls just a bit when he sees the look of love on san's face. recent realization or not, it hurts. san speaks, something about setting up the guest room, but yeosang isn't paying attention.

hongjoong is pretty, yeosang knows. but the image of him sleeping, shoulders free of stress and his chest rising evenly. he looks unreal.

"i didn't think i could feel so strongly about someone that isn't you." he says quietly, pushing hongjoong's hair from his face. "but i was wrong. and i'm sorry."

he stands up and turns around, just as san comes back. yeosang smiles uncomfortably. "i think i'm going to go. seonghwa messaged me something about a package coming in and it's something i've been waiting for."

"i could drive you." san suggests and yeosang nods, already at the door and putting his shoes on.

"okay. thank you."

san's car smells more like hongjoong than the last time yeosang was in it, making him feel worse than before. as he leaves the car san grabs his wrist, gentle. yeosang looks at him in surprise.

"i'll see you at hongjoong's art show, right? on thursday?"

"thursday." yeosang repeats, seeming to have lost his train of thought. thursday. like, two weeks from now. "yeah."

san smiles and nods, letting yeosang go. he doesn't remember entering his apartment, changing clothes, or getting into bed. but he's here now, thinking of ways to get out of going to hongjoong's art show.

he figures he should break the news to him in person. the lie, that his old friend has come into town and thursday is just the only day he can hang out. there will be more art shows, right?

approaching the welcoming desk of the art department of hongjoong's university, yeosang waves at the sweet old lady and flashes her his i.d.

"oh, i didn't see you leave the building." she comments and yeosang laughs, confused.

"this is my first time coming here in awhile, ma'am. you must be mistaking me for someone else."

she looks at him over her glasses, frowning. "i'm afraid you might be right. mr. kim's boyfriend is here with him, i suppose. such a cute couple."

her words are mumbled, but yeosang hears them. he looks around the lobby hurriedly, putting a polite hand up to stop her from completing his sign in.

"i'll come back later, so sorry. i just remembered i have to do something really important." he says and tries to smile, but it comes off odd and forced. he's about to take his i.d. back and leave when he catches a glimpse of unmistakable red hair from across the lobby.

of course hongjoong, in all his artistic glory, is stepping out of the elevator. sketchbook in hand and book bag slung around his shoulder, he looks as good as always.

but so does san, who happens to be right by his side. isn't he always?

"yeosang?" hongjoong calls and yeosang laughs. it sounds exasperated, desperate, and defeated all at once.

"hi, hyung. i just needed to talk to you about something." he says, letting hongjoong reach him before pulling him aside. "i'm sorry, really. but a friend only has thursday to be around and it's his first time in town. really, i wish i could make it to your show but he needs my help around."

the excuse is jumbled and nearly impossible to understand, but by the look of dejection on hongjoong's face, yeosang knows he gets it.

"i'm sorry." it comes out as a whisper as yeosang searches for any type of anger in hongjoong's face.

after a few moments, hongjoong speaks. "no. no, it's fine. you have fun. i'll be thinking about you when i show off my painting."

"okay." yeosang smiles nervously. "i have to go."

hongjoong nods, not saying good-bye before going back to san.

yeosang messages with hongjoong a lot during the upcoming days and tries getting closer to san to make up for chickening out of the art show. he feels more guilty as the days crawl by.

"hi." yeosang waves when hongjoong opens the door.

hongjoong smiles. "hi. you curled your hair?"

"should i not have?"

"no, no. it looks," hongjoong swallows. "you look nice."

yeosang isn't sure how to say thank you, his face flaming up and his mouth opening and closing a few times.

hongjoong opens the door further to let him in. "anyways. san is in my room, i'll get us drinks."

yeosang nods, wiping his sweaty palms on his shirt as he walks to hongjoong's room.

"what are you gonna wear?" he asks later, stretching on hongjoong's bed. san sits across the room, messing with a speaker to try to get it connected to his phone.

"i dunno. casual clothes, probably." hongjoong looks through his clothes, humming. music finally fills the silence and san turns around with a triumphant smile.

"i did it." he shoots yeosang a thumbs up and he can't help but smile back, san's enthusiasm is contagious.

he sits beside yeosang on the bed, crossing his legs. "i'm wearing my fanciest outfit."

"you're fanciest outfit isn't even fancy, sannie." hongjoong mumbles, pulling out a shirt. "how about this one?"

"it's nice." yeosang says no more than that, not brave enough to compliment hongjoong with san in the room.

"you'd look good in it with those jeans you just bought." san says, going to the dresser and rummaging through the drawers for the pair of jeans.

yeosang watches them bustle around the room, holding earrings to ears and pairing shoes with outfits. it's endearing. the room is warm and yeosang doesn't think he could be in a better place.

"earth to yeosang." san waves a hand in front of his face, giggling when yeosang is brought from his thoughts and gives san a confused look. "i asked what you were wearing for the art show."

yeosang frowns. "oh. i, uh, i won't be there."

the joy in san disappears quickly and he takes a hurried glance at hongjoong. "but- why not?"

"i'm just busy." yeosang says, busying himself with the messy clothes on hongjoong's bed. he folds them again and again, ignoring the feeling of san staring at him.

"too busy for hongjoong hyung?"

"san." hongjoong sounds tired. he sighs and san crosses his arms.

"but he's just- he's not even going! this is so important to you, hyung. how are you not upset?" san asks and yeosang swallows.

"sorry, i'll- see you later." he says. he's running away again and he hates it, he hates that the two let him leave. he leaves the house with a heavy feeling in his chest, as if he's stuck and something is crushing him. he drives home in silence, ignoring the messages that inevitably come in from hongjoong, asking if he's okay.

he locks eyes on his bedroom door as soon as he opens the apartment door and doesn't let anything stop him from going straight to it, not even seonghwa's concerned calls. he doesn't bother changing before curling up under his blankets and hoping sleep will take this awful feeling away.

it doesn't. he wakes up to a glass of water and a note beside his bed, telling him that seonghwa is out of the house but only a call away. he sighs and rubs his eyes. he doesn't know what time it is, but it's dark. seonghwa must be working a night shift.

he sits up and decides to tug his jeans off, replacing them with sweats and sinking back into his spot on the bed before it can get cold.

hongjoong doesn't text him again, but yeosang doesn't text him either. he still stares at his phone and waits for his name to appear. maybe he waits for san's too.

the next few days blur together, a mix of occasional breakdowns in bed and seonghwa shooting him worried looks when he comes out to use the bathroom. it only takes a few of those looks until yeosang invites seonghwa into his room and cries into his chest, rambling on about nothing.

it catches up to him during those days. how he's been feeling about all this, about them. he knows how bad this is, how he could hurt them all with this.

"take it one day at a time, little by little." seonghwa says, petting his head. his voice drops to a whisper as yeosang's eyes start to droop. "go see them. go to hongjoong's art show, okay?"

*

three days later he's taking his first shower in a week, cleaning up the water bottles beside his bed, and actually taking his medication. he feels better, but nowhere near calm. he changes his shirt for the fifth time and tries to find a nice pair of shoes to match, but ends up sitting on his floor in a pile of nerves and frustration.

he's chewed his lips raw already and no amount of chapstick can save them, but that's the least of his worries. his phone pings to let him know that he needs to leave in five minutes and he tries not to panic, deciding the shoes he has on now are just fine. he says a quick goodbye to seonghwa and leaves the building.

he calls him as soon as he gets to the store, frantically asking what type of flowers he should get. he decides on a mix of pretty flowers and thanks his roommate, pulling the phone away to hang up.

"yeosang?" seonghwa asks and yeosang hums. "get some for san, too."

yeosang's cheeks heat up and he hums again. "okay, hyung. i'll see you soon."

two simple bouquets and a 10 minute drive later, he's standing in front of the intimidating art department. he swallows down his anxiety and steps in, greeting the woman at the counter and following the crowd into the big auditorium. the stage is lit up bright and the hum of the crowd spikes his nerves just slightly. he looks around for a familiar face and spots san sitting down, his knee bouncing.

he looks nice, yeosang thinks. really nice.

he takes a deep breath and weaves through the crowd, stopping when he's just a few feet away from san.

he waits for a few seconds before calling his name. he looks up and yeosang doesn't think he's ever seen such intense surprise before.

"yeosang? what are you-" san looks down at the flowers. "are those for hongjoong?"

yeosang nods. he smiles nervously, holding one of them out for san. his voice comes out quiet, almost unheard over the lively crowd. "and for you too."

"oh, wow," san takes the flowers. "thank you, yeosang. they're really pretty. come and sit."

his smile gets more genuine as they wait and talk, up until the lights die down and the head of the art department walks on stage.

"hyung is going to be really happy to see you."

the woman on stage announces a few names that yeosang doesn't recognize and they bring their art out, bowing as she tells a few short sentences about it.

she gets to hongjoong and yeosang nearly vibrates with anticipation. somewhere along the way san's slipped his hand into his, squeezing it when hongjoong begins to bring his painting out on stage.

the lights seem to get brighter when hongjoong stands under them. yeosang's smile fades into something of surprise because he'd recognize that picture anywhere. hongjoong had painted a picture of him.

it's just the back of him, sitting on the sand of a beach some years ago. hongjoong had taken it and printed it out the day after, putting it into a neat frame and setting it on his bedside table. yeosang realized his feelings for hongjoong that year.

hongjoong's eyes are scanning the crowd, most likely looking for san. his expression matches yeosang's when they make eye contact. yeosang's breath hitches and he lifts his hand to give a weak wave.

the show goes impossibly slow after hongjoong bows and pushes his work off stage, up until the woman has every artist line their works up as she announces the winners. 

hongjoong wins second place, receiving an envelope and a pretty ribbon. san has to keep yeosang from running into people once he's allowed to see hongjoong.

"you're here." hongjoong says, suffocating yeosang in a hug. he's still unsure of what to say, not wanting anything to slip out in his moment of awe and pure love for hongjoong.

"your painting..." yeosang says, pulling away and looking at hongjoong, looking for any emotion to lead him, to guide the conversation.

"yeosang, i love you." hongjoong says, his grip on yeosang's arms tightening, as if he'd run away. maybe he would if it weren't for the anchor of hongjoong's cold hands. "i really love you. you- i'm in love with you."

yeosang isn't sure if he's hallucinating or dreaming. maybe he's daydreaming, waiting for the show to start.

"say something." hongjoong says, his voice cracking and his confidence leaving his eyes.

"hongjoong. your painting, everything. i love you too, i have for so long."

yeosang's lips are still chapped, still a physical sign of his anxiety, but hongjoong kisses them anyway. of course yeosang has thought about kissing hongjoong, the where, when and how, and it's really everything he imagined. the lip gloss hongjoong uses lingers on yeosang's lips when they pull away.

he doesn't have time to think about anything else before he's gently pulled away from hongjoong, into a comfortable hug.

"you forgot his flowers." san says and yeosang feels the words vibrate in his chest. yeosang moves to look to san, to speak, but the other talks first. "i know you're thinking hard right now, like i always see you doing. you and hongjoong are so good for each other. and we're getting there aren't we?"

he looks at yeosang with an encouraging smile and yeosang nods. "yeah, i think so."

san leaves a soft kiss on the top of his head and turns his attention back to hongjoong. "until then, we should celebrate, shouldn't we?"

yeosang thinks about what seonghwa said, wanting to be with them rather than beside them. he's overwhelmed with the joy of san's hand in his, his and hongjoong's arms interlocked. the rapid beating in his chest and his shaking fingers aren't anxiety, but excitement.

his knee does knock together with hongjoong's during their dinner, but his hand also brushes against san's when he passes him the menu and he feels the same feeling of that light, simple high school crush.

he's enjoying it and he thinks he deserves to, they all do.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> twt; p1wrld


End file.
